On My Weight Loss
I weigh 118 pounds. Three months ago I weighed 114. Nine months ago I weighed 107. And nine and a half months ago I weighed 119. According to medical research, 12 pounds lost in two weeks is cause for concern when you’re trying to lose weight, except I wasn’t. I won’t go into why I lost weight because I don’t really feel like talking about it. But I will talk about why I continued to be underweight for the next six months.
I’ve never been that self-conscious about my weight. I’ve always been thin and because of that I haven’t had to think about it much. And then all of a sudden I was considered underweight. My mom made comments about how I needed to eat more and other people did too. But I also experienced praise for my new figure. I noticed how different I looked in the mirror. I now could successfully feign curves just because my waist cinched despite having a narrow frame. I noticed all of this. So I continued my new eating habits.
And I continued looking skinny. But I started listening to the people who were telling me I looked too skinny, but not in a very healthy way. What I started to think was that I needed to keep my 00 waist and gain weight elsewhere. So over the summer I started eating more again and working out almost obsessively. I went the gym everyday and only hit the heavy leg machines. At some point I couldn’t go to the gym anymore when my sister went out of town because she had a gym membership and I didn’t. So I stopped going to the gym and even when she came back I forgot about asking her to go again. And then a month later I was 5 pounds heavier and had lost that semi-accidental tiny waist. My mom told me I looked healthier and even though I was the same weight I’d been a year earlier, I felt extremely self-conscious. I saw people’s lack of commentary on how skinny I looked as an indication that I needed to lose more weight. I started planning out ways to lose weight again in my head, but I never started on them.
I haven’t come to any big revelation about how to deal with my illogical insecurity about my weight. I think that my issue is in no way unique or uncommon, rather it’s something most girls my age deal with because of the number of mixed and complicated messages from different media about what we should or should not look like. It’s not a resolved problem, so I have no resolved ending for this.
:((((((((( I feel this though. Between subbie and freshman year, I went from almost 140 pounds to 111 (for reasons I too don't feel like talking about). And I didn't think I was going to lose that much weight in the beginning, but people started making comments - supposed "compliments"- about the weight loss, and I thought that meant I needed to lose more weight too. I'm not really sure where I was going with this comment but I guess it's just a "I feel you"
ReplyDeleteI think while its a completely different experience, I can relate to a lot of the things you were saying. I feel like I have been skinny my entire life and I'm constantly trying eating new things and protein shakes and stuff to try and gain weight. This past track season I actually lost a little bit of weight and I too became sub-conscious of what I was eating how much I was working out, etc. I think it really gave me another perspective on life but instead of focusing on it, I took a more neutral approach and sort of embraced it, knowing I would get it back during the off season. I'm glad you shared this with us because it can be a very tough topic to write about.
ReplyDeleteI think what's especially interesting about this experience are the social experiences that sort of prodded you to become more focused on your weight. Based on teen dramas in movie and tv and books and crap, you always think it's like this very overt bullying about specific comments. But based on your experience (and speaking as someone who's had a myriad of weight issues) it's really the offhanded comments that get to you. The little remarks and comments just blow up into these huge insecurities. And especially interesting is how in the latter half of the story, it wasn't insults necessarily that prodded the weight insecurities, but the lack of praise. The stuff that pushes you over the edge doesn't even need to be overt, hell, it probably isn't overt because that almost never happens.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many different ideals of different body parts out there and it's impossible to achieve the "perfect" combination. And the ideals are always changing. So I think this is a very common insecurity that a lot of people experience for a variety of reasons. Thank you for writing about it!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, hats off to you for opening up about a topic that's hard for most people to talk about. I've had a similar problem to yours. I've always struggled with my size, height and weight. I've never been considered tall or muscular. It's actually pretty weird how society pressures our youth, female and male, to fit a popular image (I'm sorry I sound like a 21st century mom).
ReplyDeleteI also liked your style of writing. It's straightforward, easy to read, and it doesn't seem like you're overdoing it. Good job. *thumbs up*
I think this post sounds frank and intelligent
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